another year later

This was originally written in March of 2007. I look over it now and my heart still stings. I'll never forget the soaring joy I felt when we learned that we had overcome what was almost impossible, and I'm still haunted in my dreams by a little girl with bright blue eyes.

Yes I still think of you my doll, yes I still love you and hold you dear. I see your brothers and all of your new cousins and wonder what you would think of them. You'd be toddling up a storm now my dearest.

It still haunts me, every day. In January I should have held you, but instead I am left with the memories of losing you.Almost a year ago you became a spark of life inside me, Someone we were so excited to have, wonderful you born out of love. For the first time in 9 years I would have a child, one born of me. We wondered who's eyes you would have, if you were a boy or a girl, if you would look like your brothers, and if you would have your daddy's beautiful smile.

We were encirled in a cloud of bliss, until it was all Shattered.

I'll never forget the news being delivered, I'll never forget the pain. I'll never forget the surgeon ripping at my insides while the pure emotion tore my heart apart. I'll never forget the fog of painkillers, and watching other ladies cradle their newborn while I was left to cry.I'll never forget begging God to make it right, or to take me instead of you I'll never forget going home and getting so damn drunk, just to try to forget for a little while. And I'll never forget going home and looking at your brothers and them not knowing about you, and just wanting to know that mom was ok, because they had found her on the kitchen floor.

And now, I'm told that the risks are too high to ever try to find that spark again.Not that You could never be replaced, but I can't give you another brother or sisterI want the world to know you were here you were loved, You were Someone. You will never be forgotten, not for a day. Somewhere somehow, we will meet again, and I will finally be able to wrap my arms around you and tell you how much you mean to me, and how very much you are loved, and how very much you were missed.

Until then, I will hold you in my heart.

I never knew such an exquisite pain existed. A pure freefall from such a wonderful high