This was originally written in March of 2007. I look over it now and my heart still stings. I'll never forget the soaring joy I felt when we learned that we had overcome what was almost impossible, and I'm still haunted in my dreams by a little girl with bright blue eyes.
Yes I still think of you my doll, yes I still love you and hold you dear. I see your brothers and all of your new cousins and wonder what you would think of them. You'd be toddling up a storm now my dearest.
It still haunts me, every day. In January I should have held you, but instead I am left with the memories of losing you.Almost a year ago you became a spark of life inside me, Someone we were so excited to have, wonderful you born out of love. For the first time in 9 years I would have a child, one born of me. We wondered who's eyes you would have, if you were a boy or a girl, if you would look like your brothers, and if you would have your daddy's beautiful smile.
We were encirled in a cloud of bliss, until it was all Shattered.
I'll never forget the news being delivered, I'll never forget the pain. I'll never forget the surgeon ripping at my insides while the pure emotion tore my heart apart. I'll never forget the fog of painkillers, and watching other ladies cradle their newborn while I was left to cry.I'll never forget begging God to make it right, or to take me instead of you I'll never forget going home and getting so damn drunk, just to try to forget for a little while. And I'll never forget going home and looking at your brothers and them not knowing about you, and just wanting to know that mom was ok, because they had found her on the kitchen floor.
And now, I'm told that the risks are too high to ever try to find that spark again.Not that You could never be replaced, but I can't give you another brother or sisterI want the world to know you were here you were loved, You were Someone. You will never be forgotten, not for a day. Somewhere somehow, we will meet again, and I will finally be able to wrap my arms around you and tell you how much you mean to me, and how very much you are loved, and how very much you were missed.
Until then, I will hold you in my heart.
I never knew such an exquisite pain existed. A pure freefall from such a wonderful high
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The worn out battle
Is there ever a time that you have had to go through the same arugment/ debate with the same person over and over again? 4 Long years of the same bloody thing with no better results in sight...It wears on a soul, and makes it harder to keep the damp sense of resignation and hopelessness from sinking into your bones like the maritime chill.
I am a mother, I have 3 wonderful boys. Only one was mine by birth, and the other two were brought to me by happenstance. Their birth mother and I once got along in a faraway time...but this is not the case any longer. I fail to understand some of the motivations behind her actions, and frankly, I'm pretty tired of trying and of being understanding.
Some people are just selfish...I don't know where it comes from, but it's there, the absolute inability to consider the wants and desires of others beyond ones own self.
She lives in another province, my husband works out of province for 3 weeks at a time and I stay here in our home working and caring for the boys. Fortunately he was willing to make that sacrifice...unfortuneately it leaves me having to deal with her most often.
My younger two children are who she calls looking for, when she calls. At one point calls were completely sporadic, none for up to 5 weeks and then 3 in a week. Finally I put my foot down and demanded some consistency and a specific day to call, along with still allowing them to phone her when they wanted. I was so tired of having to try to explain to a 4 year old that sometimes his mother just isn't there, and trying to come up with excuses for her when there were none to be had for not calling this crying little boy back for weeks on end. My youngest, who was 2 at the time didn't really care one way or another.
Maybe I was wrong, but I was tired of trying to uphold the relationship and memories of her to these boys when she couldn't be bothered herself. Instead of trying to come up with reasons as to why she didn't answer the phone or call back, all I volunteered was an "I don't know". I didn't know what else to do.
After a while the boys began losing interest in someone who wasn't returning their efforts and their own began to dwindle, I didn't foster it, but I did nothing to prevent it, I felt that I had done my share to help her and that my energies were best saved for raising 3 busy boys and not worrying about the status of her relationship with them. Now she's starting to see what she lost and trying to claw it back and deflecting blame everywhere she can and principally on me rather than taking the time to make it right and start rebuilding. The agreement from the beginning is that they would never be forced to speak on the phone and made feel that it was like a chore, but now we're getting demands to do exactly that. Sigh....4 years of this argument on repeat.
I have tried to gently point out things that could be done to start repairing things between them, my husband has communicated the need to start fresh as she's little more than a stranger now, and all we get in return are berratings and egocentric messages about HER wants and HER needs and POOR HER. All I want is that she step back and look at the situation and put the boys first. I try hard to do the same thing, and to keep bitterness from my heart and mind when looking at the best courses of action for them, but it's getting harder all the time when all I hear is selfishness, negativity and refusal to accept and work on the current reality. Or harrassment through my work e-mail or a screaming banshee on the phone...this woman is 34, 5 years my senior, why am I expected to be the grown up for her?
There's so much more to say, but the subject exhausts me....I just really needed to get this out of my head, thank eyes who let me rant
I am a mother, I have 3 wonderful boys. Only one was mine by birth, and the other two were brought to me by happenstance. Their birth mother and I once got along in a faraway time...but this is not the case any longer. I fail to understand some of the motivations behind her actions, and frankly, I'm pretty tired of trying and of being understanding.
Some people are just selfish...I don't know where it comes from, but it's there, the absolute inability to consider the wants and desires of others beyond ones own self.
She lives in another province, my husband works out of province for 3 weeks at a time and I stay here in our home working and caring for the boys. Fortunately he was willing to make that sacrifice...unfortuneately it leaves me having to deal with her most often.
My younger two children are who she calls looking for, when she calls. At one point calls were completely sporadic, none for up to 5 weeks and then 3 in a week. Finally I put my foot down and demanded some consistency and a specific day to call, along with still allowing them to phone her when they wanted. I was so tired of having to try to explain to a 4 year old that sometimes his mother just isn't there, and trying to come up with excuses for her when there were none to be had for not calling this crying little boy back for weeks on end. My youngest, who was 2 at the time didn't really care one way or another.
Maybe I was wrong, but I was tired of trying to uphold the relationship and memories of her to these boys when she couldn't be bothered herself. Instead of trying to come up with reasons as to why she didn't answer the phone or call back, all I volunteered was an "I don't know". I didn't know what else to do.
After a while the boys began losing interest in someone who wasn't returning their efforts and their own began to dwindle, I didn't foster it, but I did nothing to prevent it, I felt that I had done my share to help her and that my energies were best saved for raising 3 busy boys and not worrying about the status of her relationship with them. Now she's starting to see what she lost and trying to claw it back and deflecting blame everywhere she can and principally on me rather than taking the time to make it right and start rebuilding. The agreement from the beginning is that they would never be forced to speak on the phone and made feel that it was like a chore, but now we're getting demands to do exactly that. Sigh....4 years of this argument on repeat.
I have tried to gently point out things that could be done to start repairing things between them, my husband has communicated the need to start fresh as she's little more than a stranger now, and all we get in return are berratings and egocentric messages about HER wants and HER needs and POOR HER. All I want is that she step back and look at the situation and put the boys first. I try hard to do the same thing, and to keep bitterness from my heart and mind when looking at the best courses of action for them, but it's getting harder all the time when all I hear is selfishness, negativity and refusal to accept and work on the current reality. Or harrassment through my work e-mail or a screaming banshee on the phone...this woman is 34, 5 years my senior, why am I expected to be the grown up for her?
There's so much more to say, but the subject exhausts me....I just really needed to get this out of my head, thank eyes who let me rant
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Where to Start?
I've had so many thoughts whirling through my head for such a long time that it's been almost impossible to make sense of them all and work things out for myself. I have so much to say, but as I sit in front of my keyboard my brain draws a blank, I haven't a clue where to begin spitting forth the typed equivalent of verbal diharrea that communicates my life
To Start- I am a Mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a daughter in law, a sister in-law, an ex-wife, a stepmother. I'm also a person beyond all this. I love, am loved, have gained and lost. I have felt joy and heartwrenching sorrow. Anger and happiness
To Start- I am a Mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a daughter in law, a sister in-law, an ex-wife, a stepmother. I'm also a person beyond all this. I love, am loved, have gained and lost. I have felt joy and heartwrenching sorrow. Anger and happiness
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