The worn out battle

Is there ever a time that you have had to go through the same arugment/ debate with the same person over and over again? 4 Long years of the same bloody thing with no better results in sight...It wears on a soul, and makes it harder to keep the damp sense of resignation and hopelessness from sinking into your bones like the maritime chill.

I am a mother, I have 3 wonderful boys. Only one was mine by birth, and the other two were brought to me by happenstance. Their birth mother and I once got along in a faraway time...but this is not the case any longer. I fail to understand some of the motivations behind her actions, and frankly, I'm pretty tired of trying and of being understanding.

Some people are just selfish...I don't know where it comes from, but it's there, the absolute inability to consider the wants and desires of others beyond ones own self.

She lives in another province, my husband works out of province for 3 weeks at a time and I stay here in our home working and caring for the boys. Fortunately he was willing to make that sacrifice...unfortuneately it leaves me having to deal with her most often.

My younger two children are who she calls looking for, when she calls. At one point calls were completely sporadic, none for up to 5 weeks and then 3 in a week. Finally I put my foot down and demanded some consistency and a specific day to call, along with still allowing them to phone her when they wanted. I was so tired of having to try to explain to a 4 year old that sometimes his mother just isn't there, and trying to come up with excuses for her when there were none to be had for not calling this crying little boy back for weeks on end. My youngest, who was 2 at the time didn't really care one way or another.

Maybe I was wrong, but I was tired of trying to uphold the relationship and memories of her to these boys when she couldn't be bothered herself. Instead of trying to come up with reasons as to why she didn't answer the phone or call back, all I volunteered was an "I don't know". I didn't know what else to do.

After a while the boys began losing interest in someone who wasn't returning their efforts and their own began to dwindle, I didn't foster it, but I did nothing to prevent it, I felt that I had done my share to help her and that my energies were best saved for raising 3 busy boys and not worrying about the status of her relationship with them. Now she's starting to see what she lost and trying to claw it back and deflecting blame everywhere she can and principally on me rather than taking the time to make it right and start rebuilding. The agreement from the beginning is that they would never be forced to speak on the phone and made feel that it was like a chore, but now we're getting demands to do exactly that. Sigh....4 years of this argument on repeat.

I have tried to gently point out things that could be done to start repairing things between them, my husband has communicated the need to start fresh as she's little more than a stranger now, and all we get in return are berratings and egocentric messages about HER wants and HER needs and POOR HER. All I want is that she step back and look at the situation and put the boys first. I try hard to do the same thing, and to keep bitterness from my heart and mind when looking at the best courses of action for them, but it's getting harder all the time when all I hear is selfishness, negativity and refusal to accept and work on the current reality. Or harrassment through my work e-mail or a screaming banshee on the phone...this woman is 34, 5 years my senior, why am I expected to be the grown up for her?

There's so much more to say, but the subject exhausts me....I just really needed to get this out of my head, thank eyes who let me rant